


Addicted to Life

by 0mile



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 2000 line childhood friends, Angst, Bullying, Character Study, Coming of Age, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Healthy Communication, Friends to Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, Kisses, M/M, Physical Abuse, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, alcoholic parent, anger issues, closeted character gets outed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 19:50:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19216336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0mile/pseuds/0mile
Summary: Hyunjin is tall and can climb all the way to the highest part of the jungle gym, even when they’re not allowed to. And when those awful older kids come to pick on Jisung, Hyunjin always jumps in between to protect him.All Jisung knows is that Hyunjin is the coolest person he’s ever met.---In which 2000 line are childhood friends, but things drastically change as they grow up.





	Addicted to Life

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE TAGS
> 
> so i wrote this baby in a total frenzy over the last five days and i put my heart and soul in it.
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/CHANGBlNlE)
> 
> or send me a [CC](https://curiouscat.me/CHANGBlNlE)
> 
> also thank u [singsungie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/singsungie/pseuds/singsungie) for being the best beta <3

“I’m the oldest, so I get the first bite!” Hyunjin says, sticking out his tongue at the others.

“Not fair! I turn five next week!” Jisung whines, and Hyunjin smirks, showing the gap where one of his front teeth should have been. There is only half a year between them, but Hyunjin is already shedding his teeth. Still, it’s a bit early, but Hyunjin is always ahead of the others.

Hyunjin jumps off the short wall that separates the playground from the road, towering over Jisung in height. “But Lixie turns five next week too, so I might as well give him the first bite.” Hyunjin holds the piece of bread up to Felix’ face, who is hiding shyly behind Jisung.

Jisung gets a whiff of the freshly baked bread and his stomach growls. “Hyunjin–,” he drags out the last syllable and pouts his lip, putting aside his pride to use his final weapon, “I still need to grow more, you said so yourself, so just give me–”

“Ha!” Out of nowhere Seungmin comes running and snatches the bun right out of Hyunjin’s hand, who looks equally as surprised as Jisung feels. “You snooze you lose!”

“Seungmin, you dick!” Hyunjin yells, and Jisung can feel his cousin behind him gasp.

“Hyunjin, you can’t say that, that’s a bad word!” Jisung puffs out his chest to look cool in front of his friends.

“Why is dick a bad word?” Seungmin asks, mouth full of bread.

“I don’t know, it just is,” Jisung says and Felix nods.

Seungmin holds up whatever is left of the bread at Hyunjin, who quickly turns his head. “I don’t want your germs, Seungmin.”

“Suit yourself.” Seungmin shrugs and eats the rest. Jisung’s stomach growls again.

Hyunjin wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “Let’s play on the swings, I’m bored.”

According to their parents, they had all been playing together since birth, the four of them. Jisung doesn’t understand how that was possible, since babies are pretty useless in his eyes, and he can’t think of any way they would play together, but he trusts his father’s word on it.

Seungmin is an only child, just like Jisung, so they quickly got along, with their inability to share and all. They have a lot in common. Their fathers are almost the same age, and work at the same company in the harbor. Seungmin also lives in a small apartment, albeit a few blocks away from Jisung. The only difference is that Seungmin has a mom and Jisung doesn’t. Jisung never thinks this is a problem though. Actually it was always others that make a big deal out of it.

Felix is Jisung’s oldest friend and favorite cousin. They were born only one day apart, in the same hospital. People often joke about them being switched in the hospital, and Jisung sometimes wishes that had been the case, because he loves his aunt the most. Who needs a mom when you got the best aunt in the world after all?

Jisung doesn’t know much about Hyunjin’s family. He just knows that he has a mom and a dad, and that they’re super strict about keeping his clothes clean. Jisung’s father often calls them ‘posh’ people, but Jisung doesn’t really knows what that means.

All he knows is that Hyunjin is the coolest person he’s ever met.

He’s tall and can climb all the way to the highest part of the jungle gym, even when they’re not allowed to. And when those awful older kids come to pick on Jisung, Hyunjin always gets in between them and protects him.

Jisung watches in awe as Hyunjin stands on the swing seat and swings dangerously high.

Just when it’s finally his turn to get on the swing, Felix’ mom calls out as she’s making her way towards them.

“Jisung, your dad has to work tonight, so you’re staying with us again, okay?” she tells him as she wipes some dirt off his knees.

“Yay! Can we watch a movie?” Felix asks, and it’s the first thing he’s said since they arrived at the playground.

“Sure, sure.” His aunt takes Felix by the hand and reaches the other one out for Jisung to take. “Are you coming, honey?”

Jisung nods reluctantly and looks over his shoulder to wave at Hyunjin and Seungmin, but unfortunately, they don’t notice him.

 

* * *

 

Jisung is eight years old when he finds himself standing in front of a locked front door. He throws his school bag on the ground and quickly rummages through it, trying to find the piece of paper his father wrote the door code on, but it’s nowhere to be found in the mess of his notes and empty candy wrappers. His tummy hurts.

He tries to ring the doorbell a couple of times, and then even knocks, but there’s no answer. His dad was supposed to be home, right? He had told him so, and his daddy never lies.

Jisung can feel his breath coming in short. The weird lady from next door peeks her head out her front door, the one who smells like licorice, the one who is always yelling at him not to run on the walkway. So he runs off, leaving his bag behind.

He can’t go to Felix, because his auntie might tell his dad he lost the paper with the code on it and then he will get a scolding.

So he runs to where he dropped Hyunjin off at speech therapy earlier, when they were walking back from school together. Hyunjin would keep him safe, right?

He waits outside, staring at the pavement, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Suddenly, every adult feels like an enemy. They might see that he’s not supposed to be out here, and call the police on him. Jisung _knows_ the thought is silly, but his hands are sweaty anyway.

“Jisung?” Hyunjin’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts, and Jisung can immediately feel his nerves dissipate.

“Hyunjin please help me!” Without much thought, he throws himself at the other, who instinctively wraps him in a tight hug. It’s been a while since they had hugged last, and Jisung notices how Hyunjin grew taller again. “I lost the code to our apartment and now I can’t get in and I don’t know where to go and I can’t go to Felix and–”

“Woah, hold on, slow down,” Hyunjin pushes him away. His hands feel big on Jisung’s tiny shoulders. “So what you’re saying is,” Hyunjin flashes him his lopsided grin, “you ran away from home?”

“No that’s–”

“And you want me to be your partner in crime? Say no more.” Hyunjin’s smile is wicked as he ruffles Jisung’s hair. “Let’s go play around! We’re partners!”

They end up at the playground they used to play at every day when they were younger. It’s closed now because of renovations, but Hyunjin leads him to a hole in the fence hidden behind the bushes. “Don’t tell Seungmin, he will nag me for this,” he whispers as Jisung follows him inside.

Hyunjin runs to the swing and hops on it, his long legs flopping around to get some movement. “We should run away from home more often, this is fun!”

Jisung, albeit hesitantly, joins him on the other swing. Although he still feels anxious about being naughty, he must admit it’s kind of nice to be playing around with Hyunjin outside of school hours like this.

Somehow, the four of them had all ended up in different classes. Seungmin was in class A, an advanced class, Hyunjin in B, and Felix in C. And Jisung? He would’ve probably ended up in the same class as Hyunjin, as he had the year before, but unfortunately he was held back. The stupid teacher told his father that he wasn’t progressing as much as he should have been, so his dad agreed with the teacher’s plan.

Sometimes he wishes his dad would have defended him.

“Hyunjin, I think dad might be mad at me,” he whispers as his swing comes to a still.

“Why would he be mad at you?” Hyunjin asks as he kicks at the gravel under his feet

Jisung chews on his bottom lip. “I had an accident in bed last night,” he admits.

Hyunjin puts his heels down in the ground to stop and frowns at him. “You still wet the bed?”

Jisung stares at his shoes. “I didn’t want to go to the toilet because daddy was screaming on the phone again.” He feels his bottom lip tremble. “I tried to hold it in, I swear!”

“My mom told me that holding your pee is bad for you,” Hyunjin says, easily switching the topic before Jisung can cry. “Do you have to pee right now?”

“Ew, Hyunjin, mind your business!” Jisung weakly kicks at the gravel and manages to hit Hyunjin in the shins with some. Then admits, “Yeah, kinda.”

Hyunjin has that wicked grin again. “Then let’s go pee! Over there!” He gestures with his chin at the other end of the playground.

Jisung’s jaw drops at the suggestion. “That’s not allowed! We’ll be arrested.”

“We’re already breaking the law, you see?” Hyunjin points at the sign they passed earlier. “‘Trespassers will be fined’ it says. I don’t know what a trespasser is, but I’m pretty sure it’s us.”

Jisung thinks it over. Hyunjin was right, they were already being bad. Also, after last night’s mistake, it might feel good to take control like this again. “Alright.”

Hyunjin drags him along by his wrist to the far end of the playground. They pee through the fence, trying to hit the tree on the other side. Hyunjin wins of course. For once, Jisung doesn’t care, and he can’t stop giggling when Hyunjin accidentally pees on his own shoe.

“My mom’s gonna kill me!” he yells as he drags his boat shoes through the grass, trying to get the stain off.

Jisung’s giggles grow into full on laughter as he yells, “She won’t! We’re never going home, remember?”

And that’s exactly when the neighborhood cop crawls through the tiny hole in the fence and puts an end to their little adventure.

Hyunjin cries in the back of the police car, which in turn makes Jisung cry too. If Hyunjin, who is big and strong, can’t keep it together, then why should he?

Jisung watches from inside the car as the cop explains what they’ve done to Hyunjin’s mother, and flinches as she harshly grabs him by the ear. Carefully, he waves at Hyunjin, but he doesn’t see him.

When the police officer asks him for his address, he tells him the street where Felix lives.

Fortunately, Auntie Lee doesn’t grab him by the ear. Instead, she wraps him in her arms and lifts him up as soon as she sees his tears. He doesn’t hear the cops voice as he talks to his aunt, too busy sobbing into her chest as she balances him on her hip like she used to when he was smaller.

When the cop finally leaves, she asks him why he was out with Hyunjin in the first place, and he tells her about the door code.

“That’s strange. Normally your dad would’ve told me if he had work. If I had known I would’ve picked you up after school,” she says as she pours him a glass of hot milk.

Jisung doesn’t tell her that his father has been getting more and more forgetful lately.

When his cousin finally comes home from violin lesson, auntie lets them play on the Playstation and doesn’t tell them to go to bed until it’s really, really dark outside. As he’s falling asleep next to Felix that night, he fantasizes about running away with Hyunjin again.

 

* * *

 

When he’s thirteen, it’s finally time for Jisung to go to middle school. All his friends left him a year earlier and he can’t wait to see them again every day. Sure, he sees Felix almost every weekend, and hears all sorts of stories about middle school, but that’s not the same as living it.

Felix had warned him though, that it wasn’t always cool. A bunch of upperclassmen had found out about his dad being Australian, and made fun of him for it. There had also been some girls who teased him for his freckles, claiming it looked like he had a rash. Felix was never one to get into conflict, so most of the time he would just let the remarks fly over his head. If there’s one thing they had learned in life, it was to not antagonize bullies, since that only spurred them on.

Besides, he was gonna see Hyunjin again in middle school. Surely he would vouch for him, right?

He hasn’t seen Hyunjin and Seungmin in a couple of months now, and honestly, he misses them a lot. In elementary, they would spend every lunch break together, and often hang around after school. But with middle school comes homework, so his friends barely had time for him anymore. However, that would change now, since he was going to the same school as them.

His first class is scary, nerve wracking even. Jisung doesn’t know anyone in his class, and he feels completely out of place. During the short break until his second class, he eavesdrops some conversations, looking for a part where he can pitch in and make some new friends. The opening never comes, because he doesn’t know anything about the topics these kids are talking about. He’s so used to talking about things like anime, games, or their favorite music with his three friends, that he doesn’t even know how to make small talk.

Eventually, however, the big lunch break comes around. He’s giddy when he gets a text from Hyunjin to meet him behind the building, where it’s quiet so they can catch up. Hyunjin says he’ll be there in ten minutes, which gives Jisung enough time to find the right place.

He stumbles out of an emergency exit into a small courtyard, which would have indeed been quiet usually if it weren’t for the small group of upperclassmen huddling together in the corner. Jisung scans the place for Hyunjin, but he’s nowhere to be found, and before he knows it, the older boys are stalking towards him.

They’re all at least a head taller than him, and if that wasn’t enough, their attitude makes him feel him even smaller.

“What’s up?” is what he manages to say, his light voice sounding weak.

“You got any business out here?” Arguably the ugliest one out of all of them lifts his chin at him.

“I’m meeting a friend,” he answers, flinching as one of them steps into his personal space.

“Oh,” the tallest of the bunch raises an eyebrow, “a girl?”

“No, a boy.” Jisung shrinks in on himself as they surround him. He reaches up at the straps of his backpack, holding on tight, ready to bolt at any second.

And that’s when they see it.

During his sleepover at Felix’ place the weekend before school started, they got a little too hyped up on Dr. Pepper, and decided to play dress up. Felix had transformed himself into a glorious warlock with his father’s bathrobe and a furry pillowcase for a beard. Jisung, who always did things all the way, had made himself into a witch, make up and nailpolish included.

Now of course no one would ever have to find out what nerdy things he and his cousin got up to over the weekends, but it just so happened to be that his aunt didn’t have any polish remover on hand. He tried to get the red paint of his nails as best as he could, scratching at it all morning before school, but needless to say it had not been enough.

“Are you a fairy?” The ugly kid snorts and spits at Jisung’s feet, making him jump.

Jisung’s whole body shakes as he stares at the disgusting gulop of spit on the ground where it has barely missed his shoe.

“Well? Are you gay?” The tall one shoves at his shoulder, demanding Jisung’s attention. “Is that what you’re doing here? Meeting your boyfriend? This is a hookup place, you know?”

Jisung wants to tell them no, wants to retort and ask them what the hell they’re doing here then. But he can’t find the courage to make his mouth form the words.

One of them, he can’t even tell which one because his head is spinning in panic, grabs him by the collar. He can barely register the guy pulling his arm back before he feels the fist connect with his stomach. For a second, his sight goes blank, and he thinks he hears one of them tell the others to not leave any marks.

He holds up his hands, hoping they would stop, or at least not hit his face, and watches through his fingers as the ugly one takes Jisung’s lunchbox from his bag and starts eating the food Auntie Lee made for him.

A shoe hits him in the hip, but Jisung doesn’t even feel it anymore as he falls to the ground. Hasn’t it been ten minutes yet? Hyunjin would surely be here soon to put an end to it all.

Another kick in the same place has him roll onto his other side, and what he sees there hurts him more than any punch or kick or even stab could ever hurt him.

In the door opening stands Hyunjin, silently watching him, with an indecipherable expression on his face.

 

* * *

 

Ever since that day he hasn’t spoken to Hyunjin. When he sees him in the hallway, he avoids his eyes, and Hyunjin does the same. Many nights he lies awake, mind going back to the look on Hyunjin’s face on that day. He’s restless in bed, listening to his dad knocking something over in the living room after too many beers, as he tries to figure out what must have gone through Hyunjin’s mind at that moment. And when the sun rises before he can get a wink of sleep, he’s actually grateful, since staying awake is better than the nightmares that plague him nowadays.

Felix, of course, asks him many times about what had happened between him and Hyunjin, but Jisung doesn’t tell him. He’s ashamed of what occurred that day, but most of all, he himself doesn’t even know what had actually happened. All he knows is that Hyunjin left him there in the dust and Jisung kind of hates him for it. And when Jisung finally snaps at Felix for the first time in his life, Felix stops asking.

Seungmin is a whole different story. He tries to take on the role of mediator, and actually manages to put Jisung and Hyunjin in an empty classroom together once, which doesn’t end well. Hyunjin tells Seungmin that he doesn’t want to talk about it, acting like Jisung isn’t even in the room to begin with. Before Jisung can even process what he’s doing, he flips over the table closest to him, all its contents spilling out the drawers. He doesn’t know why he did it, but seeing Hyunjin and Seungmin jump at his action makes him feel good.

By the time the second year comes around, Jisung has become quite good at avoiding the bullies. He knows which routes are safe, and where to hide during breaks. This means he sees Felix less and less, but he takes comfort in the fact that this means Felix is also safe from the bad kids.

At one point however, he does run into his bullies on the way home. He sees them exit a PC cafe, and Jisung quickly hides behind a tree, thank God for his thin posture. Carefully, he peeks past the tree to see if they’re gone, and his stomach turns when he sees that Hyunjin is with them, laughing as he slaps one of them on the back. Jisung’s mouth goes dry and he runs in the opposite direction.

In that moment he decides he hates Hyunjin.

By the end of his second year, he realizes his bullies are graduating soon. But it will make no difference, because in a space as small as middle school, rumors spread fast and efficiently. He doesn’t know what people are saying about him, which he deems a good thing, but somehow most of his class has turned against him. It starts off slow, with people ignoring him, but eventually evolves in nasty jabs and nicknames. Jisung, however, decides that it’s better than getting punched.

The comments people throw at him though, they stick. And he can’t help but think they might be true. He tries to get into girls, tries watching them to find something appealing, but there’s a problem. Most, if not all girls in his school have a crush on Hyunjin. Jisung isn’t even safe from him in his own classroom, because he hears his name thrown around left and right. At one point, there’s a girl that he might like, if he really tries hard. She’s shy, and has cute bangs that cover her eyes. A week later she’s got her arm hooked around Hyunjin’s.

He gets it, honestly. Hyunjin is attractive. He has dimples, a beauty mark under his eye, and a smile so sweet that it used to even fool Jisung.

Hyunjin has it so easy.

Jisung truly despises him.

 

* * *

 

Jisung is fifteen and in his third year of middle school when he bleaches his hair for the first time. The drugstore brand box lies abandoned on the floor as he rinses out the bleach from his hair in the sink. His roots are way too light and a bunch of broken strands of hair stand up on his crown like little antennas.

Weirdly enough, when he checks himself out in the mirror, he feels more like himself.

It's different. Which is exactly what he feels like. Different.

"Looking good, Han," his classmate says with a slap to the back of his head.

"Really?" he asks, hoping he would finally be recognized for how cool he is.

The girls in the back of the classroom snicker.

"Yeah," his classmate sits down, "Thank you, really, this makes it way easier for me to spot my target." The kid crumbles up one of his notes and tosses it straight at Jisung's head, where it bounces off unceremoniously, the sound of it almost loud in the silent classroom.

Then all of his classmates laugh.

Even the kid next to him, who he thought was kind of his friend. Not that they actually get along, but he thought they had some comradery going on since they were both always the pit of the joke in class.

Later, Jisung would realize this must have been a strategic choice from the guy. He must have been sick of being bullied and chose to side with them like a meek sheep.

But in that moment, Jisung sees red.

As he's busting his knuckles open on the kid's braces, he pictures it's Hyunjin.

School suspends him for three weeks and it’s heaven.

He gets to help out his aunt in her grooming salon, and she rewards him by giving him some cash everyday under the counter for his hard work. Even though he has to hand it over to his dad every time he comes home, to pay for his classmate’s dental bills, it still feels good. Jisung feels useful, like he’s actually worth something, which he hasn’t felt in a long time. Besides, keeping his body busy makes him feel way less angry about life. He’s always had issues with keeping still, and it had only gotten worse in middle school, especially with the extra anxiety that courses through his body on a daily basis now.

During his suspension, he feels free, happy almost.

That is until he’s eye to eye with Hyunjin in the salon.

For a second Jisung thinks he’s there because he’s worried about him, or because he wants to make up with him. But he’s just there to pick up his dog. Jisung didn’t even know he had a dog, no one bothered to tell him. Hyunjin tries to leave a tip and Jisung sees red again.

That day he doesn’t take his money home with him, instead he spends it all in the arcade, not even a little bit scared about the fact that his dad is going to yell at him later.

He punches the arcade’s boxing bag until he breaks the local record and the scabs on his knuckles start bleeding again.

 

* * *

 

His first year of high school comes around and he curses the fact that there is only one school in his town.

Which means that he has to see Hyunjin again every day. He didn’t imagine it to be possible, but Hyunjin is even more popular in high school than he was in middle school. He’s on the student council and has a new girl on his arm every month. On top of that, he’s grown even taller and more handsome, and the way he carries himself, like he’s better than everyone else, makes Jisung feel sick.

Jisung finds out skipping class is a thing he can get away with. His teachers must have somehow found out about his history in middle school, or maybe smelled the alcohol on his father’s breath when he came in for parent teacher night, and they take pity on Jisung. As much as the pity pisses him off, he’s glad he can play hooky without getting into too much trouble.

He finds comfort in the arcade, the loud sounds and flashing lights calming his thoughts. There’s other boys in there who are also skipping class, and at some point they even approach him. On instinct, Jisung readies himself for a beating, but they’re pretty okay, treat him like an equal. He shares a cigarette with them by the back entrance of the arcade and tries not to cough too much. They laugh at him, but not in a mocking way.

One of the boys is way nicer to him than the rest, and Jisung eventually stops going to the arcade, choosing to instead burn through a whole pack of smokes with him on the school’s roof. They talk about anime, and how capitalism is the disease of the modern world, and Jisung finds himself laughing carelessly with someone again for the first time in a while. Eventually, laughter grows into shy touches, and the occasional, careful kiss. Jisung doesn’t know what it means, doesn’t even want to think about it too much. He just tries to enjoy the feeling as much as he can in the moment. He feels like he’s finally himself again, like the glimpse of that feeling he caught on the day he first bleached his hair.

But all good things come to an end in Jisung’s world, they always do. One afternoon, some girls sneak up on them and take pictures, which of course spread like wildfire. His friend can’t handle the backlash and ends up dropping out. But Jisung is used to it by now. Used to the abuse and used to being abandoned by someone he cares for.

So he decides to not fucking care about anyone ever again.

His aunt picks him up from school, telling him it’s better if he stays with them for a while. Jisung guesses Felix must have told her, but he can’t even find the energy to be mad at him. He just wants to get away from everything and never return.

Two weeks later, he has to go back to school, and he does so with a head of freshly bleached hair, and two new piercings in his ear, courtesy of Felix and a needle. The hallway grows quiet as he passes by, and Jisung thinks that this might be worse than people yelling insults at him.

“Han Jisung.” The familiar voice makes bile rise up to his mouth. He turns and sees Hyunjin has stopped in the middle of the hallway. Everyone is watching them.

“What?” He tries to sound as disinterested as possible, hoping Hyunjin, or anyone else for that matter, can’t hear his voice shake.

“Your hair, it’s against the school’s code.”

Of fucking course it is. Jisung knows this. That’s why he did it in the first place. He looks Hyunjin up and down, scowls at the student council pin he’s wearing so proudly. Sees a group of girls behind him watching with big eyes, their hands held up to their chest as if they were cheering for Hyunjin.

Hyunjin has it so fucking easy.

Jisung doesn’t even bother with a reply. He storms off, needing to get away from him.

On his way outside, he passes a familiar face. It’s his middle school bully, the ugly one, who makes a fatal mistake by muttering ‘ _fag’_ under his breath.

Jisung feels the cartilage of the guy’s nose bridge snap under his fist on the first hit.

Quickly, he learns that if you punch people hard enough, they won’t bully you anymore.

 

* * *

 

It’s his seventeenth birthday and Felix gives him a diary. It’s a pretty leather one, with a lock on it. He pulls the lock a couple of times and it actually seems legit.

“What’s this for?” he asks.

“I like writing down my thoughts, helps me clear up my mind. Thought you might like to try it.” Felix grins at him, and Jisung would almost snap at him and tell him to mind his own business, but then the clock strikes midnight and it’s Felix’ birthday.

He drags his gift from the guest room, which he hadn’t even bothered wrapping up because it’s too big. It’s an oversized teddy bear, almost as tall as Felix, and his eyes bulge at the sight of it. Jisung had spent three weeks in the arcade to rake up enough tickets to buy it. The look on Felix’ face is worth it. “Hope you still like shit like this,” Jisung says as he gestures at the bear.

Felix doesn’t say anything, just wraps him in a tight hug.

Jisung still cares about Felix.

So he takes his advice and starts writing.

At first, he just draws dicks on the page, since his brain is noisy, and he doesn’t know what to write. But then the first word comes out.

And he doesn’t stop.

When he’s done, he’s written six full pages of his feelings and thoughts. Felix lied to him, it doesn’t help at all.

The things that usually go around his head are apparently only the tip of the iceberg. He has so much shit hidden away, so many dark thoughts, so much hate, and when his pen touches the paper they all come flowing out. He didn’t even know about half of these feelings, didn’t even _want_ to know, but now they’re staring back at him from the paper. It’s confronting, to say the least, but he’s intrigued.

So he writes every day.

After two weeks, he fills up the last page of the diary, and uses his savings to buy a new one.

He notices that he gets better with words, more poetic even. That doesn’t make the words any prettier though. They’re ugly, and painful, but they’re _his_. He’s finally leaving some mark on the world, other than broken noses and failed tests.

When he tries to channel the same energy into a history paper, and only scores a 56% on it, he decides that the education system is a scam and that he’s better off without it. He drops out.

Quickly, just writing isn’t enough anymore. He’s looking for something more, but he doesn’t know what it is yet.

He spends less time at home, mostly because his dad is more often drunk than sober nowadays, but he also spends less time at Felix’. After dropping out, he doesn’t want to hang out with him, since Felix is fervently studying for his entrance exams. Jisung feels bad for rubbing his newfound freedom in his face.

Maybe, he'll find what he's looking for with a new crowd, is what he thinks when he manages to talk his way into a nightclub. It smells like sweat and sticky sweetness, but he gets to meet some people and has his first drink.

He decides that alcohol is disgusting and smells like his dad, which is why after attending a few parties he opts for a pink pill instead.

The pills make him feel better while he's on them, they clear his head right up, but it messes with his writing. No more ugly words are showing up on the paper and Jisung isn't quite sure if he likes that.

More often than not, he sneaks back into his aunt's house in the early morning, crawling into Felix' bed to sleep off the hangover, which usually lasts two days. Felix doesn't ask and doesn't complain, just hugs him tighter.

One night, he finds himself at a party in an abandoned factory. The loud bassline makes his head shake as he downs half a pill with a lukewarm beer. The music and surroundings are awful, but townspeople gotta make do.

He wanders off down the hallways, leaving the party behind, jumping at the occasional rat that sprints from the shadows. The scenery makes him laugh to himself, as he draws a parallel with his high school hallways.

There's a locked door, and Jisung is anything if not curious, so he kicks it in, not even feeling the pain in his leg as the pill is starting to do its work.

The room seems to be what used to be an office, a large one at that, probably belonging to the owner of the factory. It's dusty and gross, but a large object in the middle of the room grabs his attention. He walks over to stroke the tarp that's covering it, the sensation tingling his fingers as the chemicals rush through his veins. With a quick jerk, he pulls it off to reveal a grand piano under it.

Curious, he drags out the stool, not even bothering to slap the dust out of it and sits down. The instrument should be out of tune, but surprisingly when he experiments with some of the keys, it isn't.

He plays with it some more, not even slightly knowing what he's doing, but he can't seem to stop. At this point he's not even enjoying his high anymore, the drugs in his system are only messing with his hearing, and he wants to hear more, more, more.

By the time the time the pill wears off and his hangover kicks in, the birds are chirping outside at the rising sun. And still, he doesn't quit playing.

_This is it._

 

* * *

 

He's just turned eighteen when his dad takes a swing at him. It's 6am, and Jisung is just arriving home from one of his many escapades to the factory, notebooks clutched under his arms.

When he sees a fist flying at him from the dark, he's so surprised he almost isn't able to dodge it. Almost.

"Oh, it's you. Didn't recognize you there Joong-ah!" His dad shakes his shoulder, the smell of liquor penetrating Jisung's nose, eyes unfocused.

Jisung doesn't understand what's going on, why his dad is calling him by the wrong name, but the next thing he knows he's packing his things and he's out the door, vowing never to return.

When he shows up to his aunt's, she doesn't ask, just pours him a glass of hot milk and rubs soothing circles on his back as he cries at their dinner table.

That morning, he steals one of Felix’ notebooks, because he forgot to pack his own, and fills up eight pages.

Eventually, he spills, and tells his aunt what happened. She tries to take his father, her brother, to the hospital, but returns home with reddened eyes. She tells Jisung not to worry about it.

Jisung doesn’t want to worry about it either. Instead, he throws himself into music even more. He spends most of his days at the factory, trying to match his words to notes, voice shaky as he tries to sing for the first time in a long time. It doesn’t take long for him to realize it.

He’s good at this.

When he’s not at the factory, or plucking away at Felix’ violin, or writing so much till his wrist aches, he’s helping out his aunt at her salon.

Life is easy for a while, until it isn’t.

Seungmin shows up in the salon on a cold afternoon shortly after the new year as Jisung is sweeping the floor. He’s looking good, proper, not at all like he’s from the same shit neighborhood as Jisung grew up in.

He tells Jisung that he was accepted to a great university, and Jisung would scoff at him for showing off if only Seungmin would just make eye contact with him.

“Hyunjin didn’t make it in,” he says, “Took the entrance exams twice, but he didn’t pass.”

“Why the fuck should I care,” Jisung spits as he tightens his grip around the broom, trying not to imagine what he could do with it.

Seungmin sighs, but not in annoyance. It’s almost as if he’s gathering the courage to speak the next words. “Hyunjin told me about that day.” For a minute the words hang between them, and Jisung doesn’t realize what Seungmin is even referring to, until he sees the same look on his face as Hyunjin had on that day five years ago. “I think it would be beneficial for the both of you if you’d just work this out.”

“Get out, Seungmin,” Jisung hisses the words at him.

“I think you two need each other more than you know,” Seungmin says, and then quieter, “He needs you, Jisung.”

Needs him? There had been a time where Jisung needed Hyunjin more than anything, more than his father’s love, more than his classmates’ acceptance, more than air itself. But Hyunjin betrayed him. Spat right on whatever trust they had built up between them, and went off to live his perfect life in his own perfect little high school fantasy. Hyunjin had it so fucking easy.

Seungmin, thankfully notices the change in his demeanor, and is out the door before Jisung can hurt him.

Days go by in a blur. Jisung finds himself thinking about Hyunjin from time to time, and he hates it. Despite wanting nothing more than to beat Hyunjin’s pretty face in, he can’t help but be curious, to want to know what Seungmin was talking about that day. It’s in his nature.

Felix is also accepted into his university of choice, the same as Seungmin’s, and his parents throw him a big party. Jisung hides in the basement as his former schoolmates are chatting away in the living room, fiddling around on an old guitar.

His aunt never bothers him with questions about school, university, or his future, never pushes him. She’s just always there for him, just in case Jisung decides to finally make something of himself. Jisung knows it, and he feels guilty.

Feels guilty for making use of the Lee family’s endless hospitality, for waking them up in the dead of morning when he stumbles through the front door, for eating their food, for taking their money. For taking their love.

Jisung doesn’t know how to return the favor.

On coming of age day, his aunt surprises him with a brand new piano, located in the living room in front of the big window looking out over the garden. Jisung doesn’t know what to do.

For the first time it isn’t anger that’s coursing through his veins. As he carefully touches the polished keys, the feeling reminding him of that first night in the factory, all he feels is pure sadness.

He manages to fake a grateful smile and blinks back the tears as his aunt hugs him close. Jisung doesn’t deserve this.

So that night, he quietly packs an overnight bag, which actually fits all of his belongings. He watches Felix sleep for a while, before planting a kiss on his forehead, careful not to wake him. He has half a mind to leave a note on the kitchen counter, just so they don’t send the cops after him.

When they finally find the note, Jisung is already on the other side of the country.

 

* * *

 

Seoul is loud.

When he tries to get off the train he’s practically pushed out by an old lady, who is shaking her head disapprovingly at him for stalling. There’s flashing lights everywhere, an announcer’s voice playing through the speakers, a group of kids shoving at each other to be the first to use a vending machine. It’s exciting.

On the internet, he manages to find an apartment with low rent. He has to share it with five other people, but it’s okay because it’s better than living on the streets.

Every night he writes.

He manages to find himself two jobs. One washing dishes and one sorting mail through the night. It’s hard work, and he barely sleeps, but he’s fast with his hands and good at keeping busy. Within a month he manages to save up enough to buy a keyboard, and after another, he gets himself a secondhand laptop.

Through the internet, he learns how to make music on his laptop, how he can turn the sounds he makes on his keyboard into beats, and before he knows it, he’s written his first song. The nights when he isn’t working are spent on fiddling around with his keyboard and producing software, making sure everything sounds perfect, until his eyes are dry and painful from watching the screen. He tries out his new microphone and discovers that his voice sounds even better through the processed audio. As he listens to his track, while scratching at a bedbug bite, he figures that life isn’t that bad after all.

Until it is.

He comes home one day to find that his keyboard is missing. When he confronts one of his roommates, the guy just laughs at him as he lights up his pipe, telling him he shouldn’t have kept it lying around in the first place.

Jisung breaks an empty beer bottle on the guy’s head and wonders why he is the one getting kicked out after.

He crashes on the couch of a colleague for a while as he tries to make enough money to buy a new keyboard and find a new place to live. A keyboard is his first priority of course. After taking up as many extra shifts as he can, he finally saves up enough. He counts his blessings for the fact that he hasn’t been kicked out by his colleague yet, so decides to spend a little more and get an even better microphone.

It’s when he’s on his way home from the music store when he sees him. 

By the bus stop, there’s a small poster trying to sell him a new BB-cream formula. The model is smiling brightly and has a finger pressed to his cheek, just next to the place where a deep dimple forms. The editing and sparkle effects on the picture make Jisung feel even sicker.

It’s Hyunjin. 

Singing just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Angry and ugly words spill out on paper again and no matter how hard he tries, he just can’t express his emotions with his sweet honey voice. So he tries rapping them.

He sounds so awkward at first and many tracks end up in the trash bin. However, he doesn’t give up. He does his research, starts listening to hip-hop instead of ballads, and practices so much that it drives his roommate insane.

Eventually, as he expected, he gets kicked out. But it’s okay, since he’s getting better at music and that’s all that matters.

He finds an elderly lady who has an extra room where he can live. She charges way too much, but it’s clean and there’s no bedbugs. Also, he finally has a room to himself, which comes with enough privacy for him to record his songs. 

In Itaewon, he manages to score a job at a cafe. It pays way more than his other jobs, which he eventually quits. The manager complains about the way he looks a lot, telling him to wear makeup and dress up so they can get more tourist customers in, but Jisung lets it slide. This job gives him more time to work on his music. 

He starts compiling his tracks into mixtapes, weeding out the bad ones and touching up on the better ones. At one point he wonders what Felix might think about his songs, but he pushes the thoughts away as fast as he can. He needs to focus. 

There’s a plan now. An actual plan for Han Jisung’s future and it makes him giddy. He’s gonna make the world’s most perfect mixtape, and it’s going to get him a job as a producer for a company. It has to be a big company, because Jisung feels like he needs to prove something to the world, and he won’t settle for anything less than perfect. 

After sending his mixtape to some companies, he only gets invited to one, but he’ll take it. He sits, and waits, and waits forever in the company’s reception area. His sweaty hands are leaving marks on his dress pants and he tries to wipe the folds out of his cheap H&M blazer for the hundredth time. To pass time, he flips through the company’s promotional magazines, one where they show off their achievements. When he sees the two page spread titled _‘Hwang Hyunjin, KT entertainment’s rising star’_ he gets up and leaves.  

Two blocks from his workplace is a bar for people who are just like him. He knows, because when he walks past it on his way home from work one day, he sees a couple share a cigarette out front with a drag queen. 

When he gets the email that his mixtape got rejected by another company, he decides to go to the bar. 

It’s a bit intimidating at first, but the people are friendly, and quickly enough someone offers to buy him a beer. With the alcohol calming his nerves, surrounded by people who he knows won’t judge him for who he is, he feels calm for the first time in a while.

Shortly after he turns nineteen, he loses his virginity in one of the bar’s bathroom stalls. It’s messy and weird, and he finishes way too fast, but he’s on cloud nine. In all his excitement he even forgets to ask the guy’s name, but it’s okay, because he doesn’t plan on sleeping with him again. It’s the validation he’s been looking for. People want to be with him, people _want_ him. 

With every one night stand, he gets more confident. Total strangers laugh at his jokes and tell him he’s charming. And when they put their hands on his waist and tell him he’s pretty, Jisung loudly agrees. He wears his shoulders a bit higher now, not even scanning the room for potential threats as he enters it.

He figures that he should give up on the big companies, and go for a smaller one instead, one where he has more creative freedom. Somewhere where he can be himself, because he is finally enjoying who he is as a person.

There’s an ex-idol rapper that has recently started his own production company, and Jisung is one of the first people to send his mixtape in. When he gets an email back on the same day, he’s beyond excited. Without much thought, he does what the email tells him to, and sends them back his Cubase files. They wanted to check if he had actually made the songs himself, they say.

A week later, Jisung finds out that the rapper uploaded Jisung’s songs to his SoundCloud, his own voice recorded over where Jisung’s used to be, and no credit of his name to be found.

Jisung feels gross as he waits at a red light, listening through his headphones to the rapper barely keeping up with Jisung’s beats. The light turns green, but Jisung just stands there, blinking harshly.

He looks up and sees Hyunjin’s face on a huge billboard, smiling mockingly at him.

Hyunjin has it so easy.

 

* * *

 

Jisung is a month away from turning twenty when he meets Changbin. He stands out as he’s sitting at the bar since he’s drinking a chocolate milkshake instead of liquor.

“That’s my favorite drink,” Jisung says, “Let me pay for it.”

“I already paid,” Changbin says, pulling down his face mask all the way down to show him a smile. “Buy me the next one?”

They get along immediately, and when the topic moves to music, Jisung stops flirting with him. Changbin could be a friend. 

Changbin writes music, just like him, but from the way he talks about it Jisung deducts that he’s probably way more experienced him. His eyes glint when he tells him about a new mixing console he recently bought. Changbin spots the curiosity on Jisung’s face and offers to take him back to his apartment to show him. “Not like that _,_ though,” he adds, as he fiddles with a napkin.

Jisung just snorts at him. “Yeah, not like that.”

The studio is located in a small room in Changbin’s apartment, which could honestly pass as a closet with how cramped it is. Everywhere he looks, Jisung can see stuff from his wishlist, from the double monitors, to the MIDI controllers, to the purple lava lamp.

Changbin teaches him everything there is to know about music, and even more. He lets Jisung play with his equipment and never tells him to leave, not even when Jisung has been stinking up the studio for 48 hours in a row. 

After only a month, Changbin offers him the spare bedroom, telling Jisung he doesn’t even have to pay rent since his parents bought him the apartment. He’s a rich kid, but not pretentiously so, not like the ones Jisung has known in his life. However, he is spoiled and perhaps one of the most useless adults Jisung has ever met, but it makes Jisung feel capable as he watches Changbin struggle trying to crack an egg. Changbin is an idiot, but he’s _Jisung’s_ idiot. 

So of course he says yes.

Changbin is like a same aged brother to him, even though he’s a year older. He listens to all of Jisung’s worries, but never forces his advice on him, only gives his opinion when Jisung asks him to. Jisung barely goes to the bar anymore, just waves at the security guy as he passes on his way home, almost skipping at the thought of heading back into the small studio again. 

It’s when they’re huddled close together on the couch, watching a movie as they try to digest their fried chicken dinner, when the front door opens and someone walks in. 

“Oh, you’re back already?” Changbin asks, nonchalantly. 

The guy at the door puts down his gigantic backpack and rakes a hand through his curly hair. “You forgot about me already?” He raises his eyebrows at Changbin and Jisung notices the sunburn on his nose.

“That’s Chan,” Changbin supplies, “he lives here as well. He went backpacking in Australia, or something.” Jisung watches Changbin hide a grin and finally realizes he’s only pretending not to care, to mess with Chan.

“And who’s this? My replacement?” Chan gestures at him, and Jisung doesn’t know what to say. 

“This is Jisung. He’s part of our team now.” 

Jisung doesn’t know what this ‘team’ is that Changbin is talking about, but Chan’s handshake is firm and his smile is kind, so Jisung doesn’t ask. When Chan tells Jisung to scoot over so the three of them can fit on the tiny couch, Jisung feels so safe.

Soon, when the three of them finish their first mixtape together, Jisung finally understands what a team is. Or more like, he _feels_ it.  

They work together so effortlessly, complement each other’s weaknesses, and challenge where the other is lacking. It’s like they opened the door to some endless well of inspiration, because at one point Jisung doesn’t even remember the last time he slept. But that’s okay, because their music is good. Amazing even.

Chan takes the lead in everything and Jisung allows it. Not because he is older, but because he trusts him. Chan also listens to his problems, just like Changbin does, but Jisung actually takes his advice when he offers it. And when Chan skypes with his mom in Australia, Jisung listens from the couch and realizes just how much he misses Felix. He almost sends him a text. Almost.

When he sees Hyunjin in a commercial on TV, sleep deprived Jisung can’t hold himself back and he throws an empty glass at the screen. He misses and watches as it shatters against the wall. It scares Changbin and Chan, Jisung knows it does, but they don’t scold him. They hold him as he cries, but don’t ask, don’t pry. 

A couple months later, they get into a company, together.

It’s a small agency, not at all like the traditional entertainment companies. It’s more focused on management and networking, housing some actors, dancers, and producers. The three of them get to write tracks, and the management finds artists to sell them to.

Jisung expects himself to be disappointed to not hear his own voice on his beats, but when he watches an up and coming idol group perform their song on TV, he feels nothing but pride. The royalties aren’t anything to brag about, but it’s enough for now, so he quits his part time job, and spends whatever money he has left on a pretty watch, which he sends to Felix with an unsigned card.

Working for a company has its own benefits, especially medical ones. When he breaks his pinky finger on the wall, he barely has to pay anything to get it fixed. And when Chan suggests he should go see a therapist, he doesn’t see any reason not to.

It’s awful, at first. Sitting in the small room with the therapist makes him anxious. He can’t keep his legs still and he wants to leave, but he promised Chan he would do it, so he stays.

After the third session, it gets better, and he’s not as wary of the doctor as he was in the beginning. He tells the man about his writing, and gets praised for putting his feelings on paper. Jisung tells him he should be praising Felix for that, and through this, the man finally manages to convince Jisung to tell him about his family. 

It’s like a dam breaks. He tells him everything he asks about, and then some more. Jisung even talks about Hyunjin, and about the day he ruined his life. 

When the doctor suggests he might be projecting his anger towards his father for abandoning him onto Hyunjin, Jisung kicks the coffee table so hard he sends it flying.

It takes him a month before he goes back for another session.

When he gets back, the therapist already has a prescription of SSRIs ready for him, but Jisung refuses. He’s taken enough pills in his life already to know that he doesn’t like it. Instead, he asks the man for every self-help book available, every fucking brain rewiring exercise or whatever the clinic has to offer, and takes it as a challenge to fix himself without meds. 

After a few months he comes to the bitter realization that he will never be ‘fixed’, but he _can_ get better. He goes to therapy twice a week, reads, educates himself, changes the way he writes about himself, changes the way he thinks. It’s a rough process, a painful one, but he got Chan and Changbin by his side to work through it. Everyday is two steps forward, one step backward, but at least it’s progress.  

When they take him to the cinema for his twenty-second birthday and he sees Hyunjin’s face on a movie poster, Jisung barely reacts.

He’s healing.

 

* * *

 

When Felix comes to Seoul, Jisung is beyond nervous. 

He had contacted him only a few days earlier, sending him a long text with an apology that he had read over and over at least twenty times, just to check if he had left anything out. He apologized not only for running away without saying a word, but also taking Felix for granted. Throughout his life, Felix’ support for him had been the only constant thing, like a rock in the waves. So Jisung is only mildly surprised when Felix decides to drop everything and take the next train to Seoul.

Jisung picks him up at the station and not a word is shared between them when they spot each other. Felix just wraps him in the tightest hug and Jisung cries as he presses his nose in Felix’ hair, soaking in the familiar smell. It’s only in that moment that he realizes how much he had truly missed his cousin.

Felix gets along quickly with Chan and Changbin. He acts a bit starstruck at them, and Jisung has to remind Felix that there’s three accomplished producers in the apartment, not just two. 

They share a blanket on the couch as they cuddle and watch anime on the huge new TV, and Jisung has himself wrapped so tightly around his cousin, not planning on letting him go any time soon. He wishes Felix would never leave.

Jisung tries to apologize again, but Felix insists there is nothing to apologize for.

Felix tells him all about university life, and to be honest, to Jisung it sounds like hell, but Felix seems like he’s having a good time with it. He also relays his aunt’s message, that Jisung is welcome to come back home anytime, and that she’s not mad at him. Felix doesn’t mention Jisung’s father.

In university, Felix and Seungmin finally reconnected, he tells him, eventually even rooming together. The way Felix describes it, is like they’re a team, much like Jisung is with Chan and Changbin. They help each other out with their studies, work at the same cafe, and are working to launch a fundraising project together. Jisung feels awful as he watches Felix talk about it with a happy sparkle in his eyes, because Jisung knows the only reason those two drifted apart in the first place was because of his problem with Hyunjin. 

“Seungmin’s been a bit stressed lately though,” Felix pauses, thinking over his next words, “with the whole Hyunjin situation.”

Jisung doesn’t flinch at the mention of his name, instead he pretends to be genuinely interested. “What situation?”

Felix frowns. “Haven’t you seen the news?” 

 

* * *

 

Jisung reads every article he can find, and he reads them twice. 

Even though the information varies, the general message and pictures are the same.

 _‘Popular model Hwang Hyunjin caught on security camera with male escort.’_  

_‘Hwang Hyunjin offers public apology after charges against him are dropped.’_

_‘KT entertainment severs ties with model Hwang Hyunjin after scandal. Innisfree fires Hwang Hyunjin as face of the brand.’_

Jisung shakes as he reads it. He’s scared, confused, but most of all, he’s angry. For once his anger is not directed at Hyunjin.

He gets stuck on a specific picture of him, one where Hyunjin has his hands folded in front of his body, a couple of dozen cameras in his face as he supposedly apologizes. His eyes are blank and he looks skinny, like he’s not really there.

Jisung rolls onto his back and tosses his phone aside to stare at the ceiling, listening to Chan and Felix joke around in the kitchen. His stomach hurts with the whirlwind of emotions he’s feeling.

His mind takes him back to his first day of middle school. The day everything changed.

Hyunjin’s face as he watched Jisung gets beaten up is as vivid as ever in his memories.

Jisung thinks he finally understands.

 

* * *

 

It takes some arguing and convincing over the phone, but eventually Seungmin gives him Hyunjin’s address.

After a weak excuse and showing the guy at the reception desk his business card, he’s allowed to go on the elevator to Hyunjin’s floor. It’s a fancy elevator, one that announces the floors with a sweet voice over the speaker, not at all like the rusty old thing in Jisung’s building. Of course Hyunjin would live in the most expensive part of town, he thinks. But when he tries to guess how much rent he must be paying for this, Jisung’s not even one bit jealous. 

Cold sweat coats his hands as he reaches Hyunjin’s floor. He realizes that Hyunjin might not even be home, or he might just slam the door on him. Or Seungmin already told him Jisung was coming and Hyunjin is going to ignore his knocks, which is the worst option of them all. 

So Jisung just knocks and hopes for the best. 

When Hyunjin opens the door, the look on his face is one that Jisung finally has a label for now.

Fear.

Hyunjin doesn’t look at all like the model Jisung has seen on the posters and in the magazines. He looks tired and too skinny, his cheekbones standing out in a way Jisung has never seen before. His complexion is pale, unhealthy even, and his eyes are puffy as if he had just woken up. Or had been crying. 

Jisung feels a knot form in his stomach.

“Let’s talk.”

Hyunjin’s apartment is cold. The interior is impeccable and well thought out, unlike the mix and match of Ikea furniture in Jisung’s apartment. But aside from looking like it came straight out of an interior design magazine, it feels empty. There’s no personal memorabilia or any splash of color in the wide living room. The closed curtains throw a grim shadow on the two of them. 

“I would offer you something nice to drink, but I’m all out. Haven’t really been able to do a grocery run lately.” Hyunjin’s voice is hoarse as he laughs weakly, and Jisung realizes just how long it’s been since he heard him speak.

“It’s okay.” Jisung watches Hyunjin drop himself on one of the two white leather couches, so he opts for the one across from Hyunjin, not wanting to be too close to him.

They sit in silence for a minute, or more. Jisung has completely forgotten everything he wanted to tell Hyunjin, every line he practiced on his subway ride here. But Hyunjin beats him to it.

“I’m so sorry,” Hyunjin chokes out, and Jisung looks up to see him bury his face in his hands.

Jisung panics, because weirdly enough, his instinct tells him to go over there and comfort Hyunjin, but he can’t. There’s still too many things to be fixed between them, too many words unspoken. So he just sits there, listening to Hyunjin sob on the couch across him as he squeezes the top of his thighs through his jeans. 

Hyunjin doesn’t have to say what he’s sorry for, because Jisung knows. That doesn’t mean he can forgive him yet though, but the least he can do is try to understand him. 

Eventually, Hyunjin calms down, slapping his cheeks as he blinks away some stray tears. “I think I owe you an explanation.”

Jisung just nods. 

Hyunjin tells him about his first year of middle school, and how much he had missed Jisung all the way through it. Middle school kids were different, and they teased Hyunjin for his clumsy long limbs and his tendency to cry easily. It only took him a couple of months before he had built up a whole new persona for himself, one that was and cool mysterious, one that didn’t cry when he scraped his knee.

His classmates seemed to have forgotten about the old Hyunjin quickly as he easily became the most popular kid in his class, and soon the entire school. And with that, he had a reputation to uphold. The only problem was that he was hiding a big secret. 

Hyunjin had always been the one in their friend group who was ahead of them in many ways, so he had already started noticing his interest in other boys by the end of elementary school. When he went to middle school, that hunch was confirmed when he got his first crush on another boy. Foolishly, he had mentioned it to his nanny, who had told his father.

Hyunjin’s cheek still burned when he came to school the next day.

When it was time for Jisung to start middle school, Hyunjin had been beyond excited. He’d always considered Jisung his closest friend, his partner in crime. He couldn’t wait to show him off to his friend group and make sure he would fit in.

Hyunjin caught enough of the conversation to understand what Jisung was being beaten up for. It was for the very thing he had been hiding about himself. The thing that made his father stop hugging him, the thing that would take away any form of security he had built for himself in school. The thing he hated the most about himself.

It was crippling fear that stopped him from saving Jisung that day, and crushing guilt for that exact fear that prevented him from ever trying to reach out to Jisung again. 

Somehow, his stupid teenage brain reasoned that it was better to be hated by one person, than the entire school. 

One day, a boy in his class caught Hyunjin staring at him, and made a joke about it. That’s when Hyunjin started dating girls.

He had no interest in them whatsoever, and broke up before it could get too serious. None of the girls seemed to have a problem with that, because they were already happy enough to have been by his side for a little while. None of them ever really had any genuine interest in Hyunjin either, because they only cared about the way he looked. It disgusted him. 

When Jisung dropped out, Hyunjin was in his final year. That was when he broke for the first time. 

As it turned out, pretending to be someone you’re not, takes a lot of energy.

One morning Hyunjin woke up and couldn’t get out of bed. He didn’t know what was wrong, all he knew was that he didn’t have the energy to move and couldn’t stop crying. His dad called a doctor, who checked his temperature, took his blood, and asked him some questions.

Three weeks later when Hyunjin was still in bed, his father got a phone call. It was the doctor suggesting that it might be depression, to which his father replied that people in their family don’t get depressed.

Hyunjin was sent back to school the day after, and things weren’t the same anymore. High school kids move on fast, and had already picked their new prince. When elections came around, Hyunjin got voted off the student council, and he completely stopped caring. 

His grades started dropping, and he blamed it on entrance exam stress when his teachers asked him about it, hoping that his charming smile still worked on some people. Seungmin tried to save his skin by taking him to the library everyday, explaining math problems and English grammar, but Hyunjin’s brain just wasn’t taking it in. 

He failed the first round of entrance exams, and then the second. 

When he heard Jisung left for Seoul, he decided to give it a go as well, which is how he got scouted in the streets and ended up in his current mess.

“I always fantasized about running into you here. And that I could show you how I’ve become a better person– but I haven’t,” Hyunjin says. 

Jisung doesn’t know what to say. His cheeks itch at the dried up tear streaks that run over them. He doesn’t remember crying. “Can I smoke? I need a cigarette,” is what he ends up saying. 

“Yeah, balcony is over there,” Hyunjin points vaguely at the window, “I’ll make us some tea.” 

Jisung watches the sun set over the skyscrapers as he smokes. 

Hyunjin never had it easy. 

The realization would have affected Jisung more if it had come a year earlier, but he is different now, he is healing. 

Therapy had already made him figure out that he had chosen Hyunjin as a scapegoat for all his issues. Even though he had played a big part in them, Jisung's anger and obsession over Hyunjin being the sole reason for his problems in life had been unhealthy. Hearing Hyunjin’s side from the story however, explained why things happened the way they happened. But it didn’t excuse it.

As he lights another cigarette, he also realizes that in some weird twist of events, he is actually in a better place than Hyunjin right now. A few years ago it would have given him a sick feeling of superiority, like some karmic justice, but right now it just makes him wonder where they could go from here.

When he goes back inside, Hyunjin is crying again.

Jisung walks over to him in the kitchen to watch him try to wipe up a spot of tomato soup on the counter.

“I spilled,” Hyunjin says in between sobs.

Jisung holds up his hand in the air, and after a moment of hesitation, puts it on Hyunjin’s shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. Hyunjin freezes under his touch. 

“You really hurt me, you know?” Jisung tries to sound as neutral as possible, and he feels Hyunjin’s shoulders shake as he nods. "I can't forgive you just yet, but I'll let you know when I have." 

After a long moment of silence, Hyunjin speaks again. “I love your songs, by the way.”

Jisung just snorts.

Things aren’t okay now, but they will be. 

They’re both healing.

 

* * *

 

Seungmin finally finds someone to fill in for him at his part time job and makes his way to Seoul.

He’s careful around Jisung, hesitantly watching him as the four of them share dinner in Jisung’s favorite restaurant. 

Jisung reasons that he has every right to be wary of him. Seungmin cares a lot about Hyunjin, which showed when he was the only one of them who stuck around with him in their teenage years.

However, when he sees Jisung joke around, and Hyunjin even putting a hand on his shoulder, Seungmin finally relaxes. 

They reminisce about the old days, before everything went to shit. Felix confesses that he was actually a little scared of Seungmin when they were young, and how that changed once Seungmin tended to a scrape on his knee when they were eight, clumsily sticking a Doraemon bandaid on it.

Hyunjin retells the story of when the four of them desperately tried to wash the grass stains out of Hyunjin’s pants with convenience store soap, so he wouldn't get a scolding from his parents. At the time, it had been the most stressful situation of their life. They all laugh at the irony of it.

Jisung wants to mention the time he and Hyunjin sneaked onto the closed playground, but somehow the moment feels too private.

The mood is fun, playful, the increasing amount of empty soju bottles probably playing a part in it. As Jisung stuffs his cheeks with meat, he feels giddy and hopeful. He can’t help but wonder if his old friends would also get along with his new friends at home.

A flash pulls their attention away from the food. “Sir, you’re not allowed to take pictures here!” Before they can get a good look at the guy, a waitress is already pushing the journalist out the door.

Jisung feels the familiar red heat burn under his skin, but instead of chasing after the photographer, he takes a deep breath and counts to twenty.

Hyunjin puts down his chopsticks and shoves his bowl of food away from him. “Sorry for that,” he says.

“No, I should be sorry. He was clearly here to take pictures of this famous producer.” Jisung puts his thumb to his chest to point at himself. 

Hyunjin visually relaxes and they all laugh at Jisung’s stupid joke.

They see Seungmin and Felix off at the train station, and when Jisung holds Felix and promises to visit home one day, it’s not even a lie.

Hyunjin insists on sharing a cab, telling Jisung that a famous producer shouldn’t be riding the subway. Jisung knows the word ‘famous’ is an exaggeration, but he still gloats at the praise.

“I always admired you, you know?” Hyunjin says after he tells the taxi driver his address. “No matter how rough things got, you always stayed true to yourself. I wish I could be like that.”

Jisung thinks this over. It was weird to imagine high school prince Hyunjin having any positive thoughts about Jisung whatsoever. For all he had known back then, he only looked down on him.

He watches the neon lights of the city reflect on Hyunjin’s face as he’s staring out the window, a pensive look on his face.

Jisung gives him a soft punch in the side. “What’s stopping you? Start today!”

Hyunjin doesn’t answer, instead he smiles and leans over to put his head on Jisung’s shoulder. “Is this okay?” he asks, carefully.

Jisung realizes this must be the first step in Hyunjin’s own journey, so as a response he just rests his head on Hyunjin’s.

 

* * *

 

Hyunjin gets along amazingly well with Chan and Changbin. Jisung hadn’t planned on introducing them yet, but after he and Hyunjin get stuck in the rain after going out for lunch together at a place close to Jisung’s apartment, he offers Hyunjin some dry clothes.

It’s been a couple of months since their reunion, and things between them are getting better, slow but steady. 

Hyunjin is still unemployed, gradually burning through his savings as he is looking for a new job, so he invites any distraction Jisung would give him. A distraction Jisung offers gladly, since he needs to get out of the studio at some point or else he’ll go crazy.

They vow to meet for lunch at least once a week. Another reason, which is unspoken between them, is that the time they spend together helps them heal from whatever leftover trauma from the past they still carry with them. Jisung starts to feel safe around Hyunjin again, not hesitating to hug Hyunjin as a greeting or a farewell, nose pressed to his neck to breathe in the familiar smell.

Even Hyunjin is doing better. Despite the constant stress of having to pay rent for his too expensive apartment, and getting turned down by every company he applies for, things are looking up. There’s no reporters camping outside his building anymore, and people in the streets recognize him less and less. Which probably also has something to do with the fact that Hyunjin is looking healthy again, gaining what he calls ‘happy weight’ from all the good meals they share. 

“Get your dog off me, Jisung,” Changbin whines from the couch as he weakly pushes Hyunjin off him, who barks at him in response. 

Jisung walks to the couch to hold Changbin’s shoulders in place, sharing a cheeky look with Hyunjin, who then proceeds to shake his rain soaked hair in Changbin’s face. Changbin screams. 

“Guys, shut the fuck up!” Chan yells, and they all turn their heads to him, not used to hearing him snap like that.

“What’s wrong, hyung?” Changbin moves to sit up, Hyunjin sliding off him clumsily.

Chan’s in the kitchen, face hidden behind his laptop on the bar. “Nothing’s wrong, just– gimme a second.” He’s vigorously scratching words into his notebook. “Oh my God.”

“What is it?” Jisung asks as he walks over and reads a list of names and numbers in Chan’s notes. 

“Our song,” Chan leans over his laptop, a nervous smile on his face, “it’s number one on all charts.”

 

* * *

 

Money is a weird concept to Jisung. The more he has of it, the more he wants to spend it on others. So when his bank account finally has enough zeros, he calls his aunt. 

"I wanna make it up to you," he says.

 _"Silly boy, there's nothing to make up for,"_ she answers.

She does however, supply him with another outlet for his money.

Hyunjin is quiet next to him on the train South, understanding Jisung's need for space at the moment.

He hasn't seen his father in over four years.

Why he asked Hyunjin to tag along, he doesn’t know. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to burden Felix with his problems anymore, or maybe because he’s too ashamed to bring Chan or Changbin. But Hyunjin agreed without much hesitation, and quietly holds his hand as they get off the train. 

The caretakers are already waiting outside the house with their van when they arrive, and Jisung quickly signs all the papers.

Korsakoff is the name of the disorder, and a quick Naver search had told Jisung everything he already knew. When he spoke to his father’s doctor over the phone, he had told him it was a miracle the man was still alive. After getting the doctor’s permission papers, Jisung found the most expensive private clinic in the country, and everything went from there. 

“Do you want some alone time with him, sir?” one of the caretakers asks. 

Hyunjin nods reassuringly, and Jisung figures he might as well since it could be the last time he gets to see his father. 

Jisung accidentally kicks over one of the empty whiskey bottles next to the front door as he finds that it’s unlocked. The interior is the same as he left it, just dustier and smellier.

“Jaesook is that you? Where’s my fucking money?” His dad comes storming around the corner and Jisung is frozen in the tiny hallway.

When his father raises a fist, he closes his eyes, waiting for impact. He doesn’t want to fight anymore. 

The punch never connects, but he hears the awful sound of skin hitting skin, and when he opens his eyes Hyunjin is in front of him, blocking his view. Next thing he knows, the caretakers are busting in past him, restraining his father and carrying him out. He hears him scream all the way, until the sound of the van’s door sliding shut puts an end to it.

They’re alone now, and Hyunjin drops to the floor to hold him. Jisung doesn’t remember how he got down there, but the weakness in his knees tells him a lot. Hyunjin feels big and warm as he fits his arms around Jisung’s smaller body. “You’re safe now, it’s okay.”

“You’re hurt,” Jisung speaks softly after a long moment. He can feel the warm thickness of blood dripping onto his shoulder.

Hyunjin leans back and reaches up to prod at his split lip. “Good thing I’m not a model anymore, right?” Hyunjin smiles and then flinches at the pain from stressing his lip like that.

Jisung’s aunt tends to Hyunjin’s lip, patching it up with some butterfly bandages. She doesn’t ask Jisung why he brought Hyunjin with him, and he’s grateful for it.

Jisung sits in front of the window for a while as he fiddles around on the piano, _his_ piano, and thinks about the day.

He feels light, in his head and in his heart. Knowing his father is being taken care of now by professionals gives him a sense of peace, and he has to admit that knowing he’s locked away somewhere makes him feel safe. But there’s another reason why he feels better.

The moment he realized what Hyunjin had done for him, how he had jumped in front of him to protect him, the last piece of his wall had fallen. The insecurity, the constantly present voice in the back of his head telling him that Hyunjin was gonna abandon him again one day, was silent.

He's ready to forgive him now.

They camp out in Felix’ room for the night, which looks empty since he took most of his stuff to his dorm. Jisung drags the box he took from his father’s home to the middle of the room.

“Teenage me sure had a lot to say,” he notes, as he stares into the box at his old diaries. 

Hyunjin sits with his legs crossed on the thin futon on the floor. “Can I read them?” 

Jisung huffs. “You sure? It gets pretty ugly.”

“I’m sure. I just wanna understand you better, Jisung,” Hyunjin answers with a crooked smile, courtesy of his taped  lip.

Hyunjin reads in silence. Jisung is almost tempted to flip through one as well, but he doesn’t have to, because he knows exactly what they say. 

“You should’ve just done it, you know?” Hyunjin whispers at one point. 

Jisung stops fiddling with the string of his sweats to look up at Hyunjin. “What?” 

Hyunjin’s face is a swollen mess, and he tries to wipe his eyes, only reddening them further. “You should’ve just beat me up, broken my nose, all the things you wrote in here. I certainly deserved it.”

“I think the fuck not,” Jisung argues. “That wouldn’t have solved anything.” He moves over to take the diary from Hyunjin’s hands, shoving it back into the box. “Besides, all the fights, all the violence. It only made me feel better in that moment, but in the long run– It just hurt me more.” 

Hyunjin nods slowly and sniffs. They sit in silence for a while as Jisung tidies up the box with the notebooks, and shoves it aside. 

“God, I haven’t cried this much since I was a kid.” Hyunjin leans his head back and presses his fingers to his puffy eyes. 

Jisung snorts at him. “You were such a crybaby.”

Hyunjin grabs a pillow and hugs it to his chest. “Remember when we went to the playground? And the cop took us home?” 

Of course Jisung could never forget, he thought about it almost daily. “You cried all the way there.” 

Jisung imitates his crying face and Hyunjin throws the pillow at him. “I think that day might be my favorite childhood memory.” Hyunjin says it softly, like it’s a secret. 

Jisung watches him get lost in thought as he picks at his cuticles. It’s crazy how big of a part Hyunjin had played in his life, in both a good way, and a very bad one. Be it as his hero, his role model when they were just little kids, or as the object of all his anger during his teen years. Even now, perhaps as a good friend.   

He crawls closer and sits in front of him, poking him in the knee. “Hey, Hyunjin.” 

“Hm?” Hyunjin looks up, eyebrows raised.

“I forgive you.”

 

* * *

 

And with that, the dam breaks.

Jisung always suspected Hyunjin had been holding himself back around him, but now he knows it for sure. 

After they return to Seoul, they meet up almost every other day. Hyunjin first reasons that it’s because he doesn’t have anything to do anyway, but later admits he’s lonely. They go out to eat together, watch bad movies at the cinema, and sometimes Hyunjin just lazes around on the couch in their studio, loudly eating snacks. 

“I changed my mind,” Changbin says, hands on his sides as he watches Hyunjin’s long limbs spread all over the couch, “he’s not a dog. He’s a fucking cat, look at him.” 

Jisung has to laugh when Hyunjin just meows at him, holding up his hand to mimic a paw. Changbin runs off in a heartbeat, as shy as ever, and Hyunjin and Jisung giggle about it together. 

One day, the CEO of their company walks into their studio, and Hyunjin spills the entire content of his Oreo box on the floor in an attempt to hide it, cheeks red with embarrassment. 

The man offers him an acting contract on the spot. 

Hyunjin says he’ll think about it, and later Jisung scolds him for not accepting it right away.

“I just don’t like people handing me something just for my looks,” he explains. 

A few years back, Jisung would’ve cursed and said Hyunjin had it easy. Now he thinks he deserves the world.

Hyunjin applies through regular auditions instead, and of course, he gets in.

“We’re colleagues now,” he says with his head in Jisung’s lap. 

Jisung takes his attention away from the movie that’s playing on the TV and looks at his own fingers combing through Hyunjin’s hair, playing with the strands.

“No,” he corrects, “partners in crime.”

 

* * *

 

When things change, they change slowly, and he notices it in the little things. 

Jisung notices it first when he sees a dog with a funny hat on the way home. He politely asks if he can take a few pics, and afterwards when he opens his texting app, he sends the pictures to Hyunjin first instead of his groupchat with Chan and Changbin. 

And when they all watch TV together and Hyunjin rests his head on his shoulder, Jisung buries his nose in his crown, drowning in the wonderful smell of Hyunjin’s hair. He closes his eyes as a calm washes over him, completely forgetting about the anime he was watching. 

When Hyunjin laughs with his entire body, snorting in a way that should be unattractive, Jisung can’t help but think he looks cute. When he reaches over to cup Hyunjin’s cheeks in his hands to tell him exactly that, Hyunjin closes his eyes and leans into the touch, fond smile on his lips. 

Jisung knows what it means, of course. He might be a high school dropout, but he’s incredibly smart, and he knows it. But it’s also the first time in his life that he has felt like this, so he doesn’t know what to do with it. However, he and Hyunjin had only recently regained each other’s trust, so the friendship they have now, is something frail and precious. Something Jisung doesn't want to ruin in case his feelings turn out to be only temporary. 

So he decides to wait it out.

Hyunjin finally lands himself a part in a movie. It’s a horror indie and he gets killed off within the first ten minutes, but it’s something. Jisung and Changbin hide behind their buckets of popcorn as Chan and Hyunjin laugh loudly at the fake blood as Hyunjin gets stabbed on the theater screen. As the movie progresses, it becomes increasingly boring, since Hyunjin doesn’t appear in it anymore. Jisung notices Hyunjin staring at him from his side, which he tries to ignore, until it becomes annoying. 

“What?” he hisses. 

“Nothing,” Hyunjin whispers, “Just– can I?”

He gestures to his shoulder and then Jisung gets it. With the hand that isn’t covered in popcorn sweetness, he pulls Hyunjin’s head down till it rests on his shoulder, his hair tickling Jisung’s neck. “Normally you wouldn’t ask.” He tries to keep his voice as low as possible.

“Hm, we’re in public, though,” Hyunjin answers. 

That doesn’t make any sense to Jisung at first, since it’s quite normal for friends to show some affection in public. Hell, Changbin had been holding Chan’s hand since the first zombie showed up on screen. 

But then Jisung remembers.

Hyunjin doesn’t have a very pleasant history with being seen in public with other men. 

He watches the rest of the movie as he tries not to think of what this implicates about how Hyunjin views the relationship between them.

 

* * *

 

“We can put a hot tub in here,” Chan suggests as he points at an area in the middle of the empty living room. 

“Yes. I love your mind,” Jisung says with conviction. 

Changbin leans down to knock his fist against the marble floor. “I’m taking bets on who slips on the hot tub water and dies first.”

Jisung walks to the floor to ceiling windows and stares at the city’s skyline. After they got their first Perfect All Kill on the charts, word got out about them, and the big companies were lining up to buy their tracks. Which resulted in dozens of allnighters, but even more money in their account than they would ever need. 

“How many bedrooms are there?” Jisung asks the real estate agent.

“There’s five. We could arrange someone to come in and soundproof the smaller one, so you could use it as a studio,” she answers, clearly having done her research about them. She is eager to sell.

“Then we’d still have a spare– wait, I know how we can fix that!” Chan says as he looks up at Jisung with a cheeky glint in his eyes.

 

* * *

 

Before the four of them move in, they let Hyunjin take care of the interior, since he’s the only one who has an eye for it. He grumbles a bit when Chan forces him to shop at Ikea for the sake of sustainable wood, but stops complaining when Chan hands him his black card. 

When Jisung walks in with his luggage, he notices a big difference from Hyunjin’s old apartment. 

This house looks like a home. 

Chan was the one to ask Hyunjin to move in with them, and of course he said yes, but not after checking to see if Jisung was also okay with it.

Jisung is excited, of course. But he is also a bit scared, since he still hasn’t figured out his feelings. He doesn’t know if being around Hyunjin every day will cloud his judgement when it comes to sorting those feelings out. What he does know is that he no longer needs to come up with an excuse to see Hyunjin when he’s so desperately missing him throughout the week.

Hyunjin and Jisung cook the first dinner together, to take the kitchen’s virginity as Changbin puts it. Jisung doesn’t know much about cooking, but at least he’s not a danger behind the stove like his hyungs are. Hyunjin helps him put on an apron as Jisung cuts some carrots, and when he has to wrap the straps twice around Jisung’s waist because of how tiny he is, he calls him cute. Jisung immediately cuts his finger. 

After a couple of weeks of living together, Jisung notices another way in which Hyunjin affects him. 

His songs are changing.

Not necessarily in a bad way, they’re just different. Call it more romantic, or sentimental, or whatever, but Jisung likes it. Chan supports it, him being a sap and all, and Changbin moans a bit about missing the old spitfire Jisung, but he shuts up when one of Jisung’s tracks rakes up their highest profit yet. 

One time, after he comes out of the shower, he hears his song play through the speakers in the living room. As he watches Hyunjin lazily dance to it as he’s cooking a meal, hip swaying to the beat and singing along softly, Jisung knows that there’s no way out. 

He finds himself at his old bar in Itaewon, scanning the crowd as he sips on their new triple chocolate shake with an extra shot of chocolate as per his request.  

“You looking for something?” A guy slides into the space next to him, his intentions clear.

The guy is hot, very hot, exactly Jisung’s type. However the thought of giving in to his advances almost brings the entire milkshake up from Jisung’s stomach. 

When he comes home, Hyunjin is curled up and asleep in his bed. It’s only then that he reads his text. 

 _when r u_ _coming home :(_

 

* * *

 

Felix and Seungmin come back to Seoul on Jisung’s twenty third birthday. 

The idea was a nice and relaxed get-together to celebrate his and Felix’ birthday, but that plan goes through the window as soon as they decide to put Changbin in charge of the music and let Chan buy liquor. 

The bass rumbles through Jisung’s body as he sits back with a beer, watching Changbin and Hyunjin do tequila shots together. He can hear Hyunjin’s giggles over the music as Changbin loses his footing, the lightweight that he is. Mesmerized, he watches how Hyunjin licks the trail of salt off the back of his hand and does another shot, his face contorting comically as he sucks on the lemon slice. 

Jisung stands abruptly. “Hey Felix, I’m gonna go smoke. Come with me?” 

Felix, who was trying to create a melody by blowing on a couple of half empty beer bottles, follows him onto the balcony. 

He lights a cigarette and inhales deeply. Felix had always been the one he could trust the most in life, his best friend and a brother. So he feels like he could tell him anything. 

“I think I’m in love with Hyunjin,” Jisung says quickly, as if he was gonna make up his mind halfway through the sentence. 

Felix’ eyes widen. “Woah, dude.” Felix reaches up to pull the cigarette from Jisung’s lips and takes an experimental drag, to which he starts coughing like crazy.

“What the fuck?” Jisung slaps him on the back as he takes back the cig. 

“Sorry, it seemed fitting after you drop this bomb on me.” Felix strokes his chest and clears his throat. “You mean like, in _love_ love?”

“Yeah, it’s been like six months.” Jisung leans on the railing, looking down at the traffic. “Shit, maybe even longer.” He tries to backtrack all his meetings with Hyunjin after they reconnected, and then it strays even further to that day on the playground. “Actually, when I think about it, I probably had a crush on him when we were kids too.” 

“And it’s not just a physical thing?” Felix offers, fiddling with his watch, the one Jisung bought for him. 

“Oh God, no.” Jisung shakes his head. “He’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, and it drives me nuts whenever I look at him, but he’s as far away from my usual type as can be.” 

“Are you gonna tell him?” Felix asks. 

Jisung sighs. “I have to, don’t I?” 

At this, the door to the balcony slides open and Seungmin sticks his head through. “Felix! Your birthday is about to start, come on!”

They pop champagne, and all toast to Felix, who gets shy when Jisung holds a way too sentimental speech in his honor. They all laugh as Felix practically begs him to stop, and at one point Changbin just turns the music back on. 

Jisung is starting to feel the alcohol go to his head, and looks for Hyunjin, but he’s nowhere to be found. Changbin tells him he went to his bedroom with Seungmin, and Jisung doesn’t think much of it. He sits down with a glass of the expensive whiskey that Chan bought and grimaces at the taste.

When Hyunjin comes back an hour later, Jisung’s limbs are heavy and he has a constant pout on his face. “What were you doing? I missed you–” he drags out the last word in a whiny tone. 

“Aw,” Hyunjin slides into the spot next to Jisung on the couch, “me and Seungminnie had some secret stuff to talk about, but I’m here now.” 

Jisung nods slowly, mind spinning as his head bobs. “And I’m drunk.”

“Dance with me?” Hyunjin asks, but he doesn’t wait for an answer, just drags Jisung’s heavy body off the couch to the place where their hot tub was supposed to be.

Jisung laughs in Hyunjin’s arms, unable to chase the beat with his feet, but Hyunjin’s guiding him. “You’re like Bambi,” he says, as he tries to let Jisung dance by himself for a bit.

“Then don’t let go of me!” Jisung shouts back over the music, and when Hyunjin pulls him back into his arms, he feels right at home.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Jisung wakes up with a killer headache, a dry mouth, and Hyunjin’s arms wrapped around his waist. Carefully, he turns around, to watch Hyunjin sleep for a bit. He’s snoring softly, face as swollen as Jisung’s head feels. Jisung sighs as he runs his hand over Hyunjin’s cheek.

He’s so in love. 

Carefully, he peels his hands off him and sneaks out of the room. The apartment is a mess, empty bottles and confetti everywhere, and to top it off, Changbin is sleeping face down on the couch in just his underwear. He grins as he gives him a slap on the butt as he walks by, Changbin only stirring slightly and mumbling a curse in his sleep.

After taking a shitload of painkillers, and cleaning up in the bathroom, he heads straight to the studio. Building a studio in the house was the smartest thing they ever did, because when Jisung sits down in his leather chair, he never wants to get up again.

He’s ticking away at their to do list like crazy, and by the time Hyunjin stumbles in, he’s already finished mastering three songs.

“Headache?” he asks.

Hyunjin just groans as he rolls the other chair as close as possible to his, and drops his head against Jisung’s arm. 

“There there,” he says as he strokes Hyunjin’s hair. 

Hyunjin yawns, and rubs his sleepy eyes against Jisung’s hoodie. “You writing?” 

“Nah, just mastering. Will save the old guys some work.” Jisung clicks to save his project, not able to focus with Hyunjin so close.

“Good, because one of them is close to death on the couch, and the other one missing.” Hyunjin giggles and then whinces when it reaches his head. “Play me some demos, will you?” he asks as he wraps his arms around Jisung’s waist. 

Jisung quite likes hungover Hyunjin, as he is even clingier than normal. “Sure, which one?” 

“I’ve never heard the one for ‘Spring Rain’. That’s my favorite song.” 

Jisung’s heart skips a beat. He knows goddamn well that it’s Hyunjin’s favorite song, but there’s a reason why he had never played the demo for him. Not only is it his own voice on the demo, the lyrics are sweet, almost too sweet, and Hyunjin was never supposed to hear them coming from his mouth.

But Hyunjin sticks out his bottom lip and Jisung can’t say no to that, so he finds the track and plays it. 

Hyunjin closes his eyes as he listens to it, slowly bobbing his head to the beat.

Jisung thinks back to when he first wrote it, how his feelings were still so unsure, so delicate, not at all to be compared to how he feels now. Now his feelings have taken root deep in his heart, and he thinks that even if Hyunjin rejects him, it would still be okay. He just wants him to know how much he means to him. 

“God, that’s even better than the other version. Can you send this to me?” Hyunjin asks, and Jisung just nods, thinking he’s safe, but then Hyunjin asks, “What inspired you?” 

Jisung is like a balloon that’s about to burst. And when Hyunjin is leaning so close to him, looking at him so sweetly, Jisung can no longer hold back. 

“You.” 

At first, Hyunjin laughs, probably thinking he’s teasing, until he sees the serious look on Jisung’s face. Hyunjin leans away from him, and Jisung thinks he really must have fucked up this time. Hyunjin stares at the computer screen for a while, eyebrows furrowed, and it’s the longest five minutes of Jisung’s life. 

Hyunjin clears his throat. “I need you to say what I think you’re saying, because I don’t wanna interpret this in the wrong way.” Hyunjin’s face is free of emotion, but Jisung understands. He’s serious about this. He’s serious about _them._  

“So, I’m like,” Jisung scratches his head, “super in love with you?”

Hyunjin huffs, which turns into laughter. Jisung blinks at him as he receives a punch in the shoulder from Hyunjin. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been holding back around you?”

Jisung is speechless.

“Silly,” Hyunjin drags Jisung off his chair and into a hug, “I’ve been in love with you this entire time.” 

Jisung’s finally stops holding his breath and he lets himself melt into the hug. He almost can’t believe it. A million questions are running through his mind. There’s cold sweat sticking to the back of his neck and his hands are shaking. It’s a lot. “Since when?”

“Like, all my life?” Hyunjin answers, as he hugs him even closer, squeezing the air out of Jisung’s lungs. 

Jisung only lets himself enjoy the sensation for a second, and then pushes Hyunjin away to look him in the eye. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Hyunjin puts his palm against Jisung’s cheek, and Jisung almost leans into the touch, but he reminds himself he has to stay focused for this. “Well,” Hyunjin starts, “after what happened between us back then– I was so happy when we finally made up, and I felt like I shouldn’t force myself onto you. You’d already done me a huge service in forgiving me. I thought I shouldn’t ask for more. The decision had to be yours to make.” 

Jisung turns his head to press a kiss to Hyunjin’s palm. “God, have I told you how I love you?”

Hyunjin snorts. “Yeah you just did.”

“Say it back,” Jisung demands in a cute voice.

“I love you.” Hyunjin finally says, his dimples showing as he smiles. “Can I kiss you?” he adds.

Jisung just answers by leaping forward and planting his lips on Hyunjin’s. He’s kissed people before, but right now he feels like a goddamn teenager again in Hyunjin’s arms. Hyunjin moves his hands to cup Jisung’s cheeks and he swears he has never felt as safe as in this moment.

When Hyunjin smiles against his mouth Jisung can feel the scar on his lip.

 

* * *

 

Hyunjin’s new movie premieres a week later.

This time, he has a more prominent role, and doesn’t get killed off at all. Hyunjin tried not to be too excited about it, but Jisung thinks this might be his big break as an actor.

Jisung fiddles awkwardly with his tie in front of the mirror, and fails miserably at getting the knot right.

“Let me get that for you,” Chan says, as he gets in front of Jisung and makes quick work of the tie. “You ready to go see your boyfriend?”

Jisung just raises his eyebrows at him.

“Oh, come on, you think we don’t know? You were practically making out on the couch behind us last night. I had to pinch Hyunjin’s toe to make him stop.” Chan brushes the folds out of Jisung’s suit jacket. 

Jisung wants to ask if he’s okay with it, but he shakes his head at the thought. He knows Chan better than that. He knows it’s okay. 

They arrive at the venue and it’s way bigger than last time, there’s even press. Jisung startles as his picture is taken, but then he remembers that he and his hyungs are also a little famous. Not as famous as Hyunjin though. 

When they’re in the cinema, Hyunjin turns around from his seat in the front row to wave at them. They all yell cheers of support at him, but get shushed quickly when the lights go out.

The movie is mediocre at most, but Jisung doesn’t care. Hyunjin is amazing.

At the afterparty, he walks around with a proud smile and his bowl of olives that he’d stolen from a waiter’s tray, looking for Hyunjin. 

Hyunjin greets him with a hug and tells him he looks good. Jisung laughs at this, because that’s something coming from Hyunjin who is wearing a grade A designer suit and has his hair slicked back neatly. His boyfriend steals one of his olives and leans down to quietly ask him, “Can I show you off?”

Jisung swallows as Hyunjin carefully puts his hand on his lower back. He knows Hyunjin’s history with the press, and knows they will jump at the chance to catch him with another man again. But the fact that Hyunjin is willing to try to get over his own fear of that public exposure, means a lot to him. And to be honest, he kind of wants to show off Hyunjin as well.

So Hyunjin introduces him to every important person at the party, the director, the lead actress, even an idol turned actor that is so handsome that Jisung finds himself stumbling over his words, which he knows Hyunjin will tease him for later. 

Jisung feels so satisfied on Hyunjin’s arm, like he belongs there. They share a couple of glasses of champagne, and when the booze gets to Hyunjin’s face and his cheeks heat up, Jisung thinks he’s the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.

Chan and Changbin announce their plans to go clubbing, so Jisung and Hyunjin take the next cab home.

They kiss on the elevator, and Jisung is only slightly annoyed that he has to stand up on his tippy-toes to reach him, because it’s also kind of hot.

Jisung tries to be romantic and carry Hyunjin into their now shared bedroom, which completely fails and they both fall to the floor. 

Hyunjin rubs the sore spot on his butt. “Wish we had that hot tub now.”

“I’ll buy you one tomorrow.” Jisung shrugs off his jacket. “Just shut up and fucking kiss me right now.” 

When he wakes up the next morning, with Hyunjin’s naked body wrapped around him, skin sticking together where they connect, his breath on his neck warm and pleasant, he feels so happy that he almost cries.

Jisung has it so easy now.

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope i did alright on this one, lemme know your thoughts in a comment or
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/CHANGBlNlE)
> 
> or send me a [CC](https://curiouscat.me/CHANGBlNlE)
> 
> pls consider retweeting [my tweet](https://twitter.com/CHANGBlNlE/status/1139628099161796609) about the fic!
> 
> thank you for reading!


End file.
